Freakin’ Amazingly ALIVE!
While searching for something else today, I came across a personal journal entry — one I’d totally forgotten I’d even written. It’s from April of 2021, when I was still in the very early stages of writing my book, All the Courage Love Takes.
***
From my journal:
Today I begin.
Today I recommit on a deeper level to many of the things that really turned my life around 45 years ago. I know I’ve gained and learned SO much in these past 4+ decades, and yet it also feels like I’ve recently been letting some important things slide. I’ve allowed myself to become spiritually lazy of late. I’ve gotten sucked into inertia… and been overreacting to far too many inconsequential emotional triggers. I’ve given up aspects of my own co-creative power by being too busy or blaming someone else for my not doing what my inner self is longing, oh, so deeply longing, for me to do — first and foremost, a deeper, more regular meditation practice. I want to come Home.
No matter what’s going on in the outer world, I know I can choose to come from a more centered place — I can take back the reins of my thoughts, words, images, emotional energy. Even after all these years on a very committed spiritual path, it’s so easy to slide away from what I know are keys to my life being freakin’ amazing or just… “not bad,” “pretty good,” or “okay.” Aaacck!! None of those terms are — ha! — “good enough” to describe the life I want to live!
There’s so much more magic available when I’m more fully tuned-in
to Who I really AM!!!
And yes, I do know I’m on the ascending spiral of consciousness evolution, and though it feels like I’ve “backslid,” I know I’ve really just opened to higher levels of consciousness, integrated learnings that now allow me to come back around and really hear and embody these same fundamental truths and practices at a deeper, richer level. I’m ready to peel back another layer of illusion.
I so want to retrain my incessantly chattering mind to be my servant, not my master. It’s been driving me crazy. Monkey mind has been running the show recently. This past year of COVID time-mush has made it abundantly clear that no magic moment is going to suddenly appear in which I will make a dramatic shift and return to feeling as in the flow, as attuned to my Higher Self and Inner Guidance as I used to feel; I’m not going to suddenly, out-of-the-blue, start experiencing magnificent Synchronicities like I used to do quite frequently. One moment will just keep merging into the next, and the next — one day, one week, one year — merging into the next… unless I say, “STOP! This is the moment!”
And so I’m saying that, Universe. I know I already have a pretty amazing life. But I also know in my heart of hearts (and soul of souls) that there’s SO MUCH MORE! This is the moment. I am ready to make a fundamental shift!
To which my ego immediately says, “Yeah, right. It’s a Friday. Just like any other Friday. You’re really gonna make some radical shift, today?! Get real. It’s too late. You’re too old. You’ve squandered so many chances — so many doors were opened to you, and you chickened out. And now, at this age, you’re really gonna set the world on fire? Just go eat breakfast.”
Yes, I will. I will eat breakfast. But not before I make a commitment to myself to let this be a turning point. I am here on Maui, having the extreme privilege of staying here for nearly 3 weeks! Today is the halfway point of our stay. Today is when I do this.
Why is this so scary? Commitment. Failure. Feeling like if I don’t find the courage and the self-love to make this shift now, here, today, in this moment, and believe I can succeed in maintaining that shift in consciousness…I’m afraid I never will, and I will live the rest of my life regretting, feeling less than fully alive, semi-disconnected and just always having that nagging inner knowing that there’s a better way of Being. And I know it’s my choice!!!
Re-reading and editing my “cancer journey” writings is making it so very clear that, although there were many hard times and challenging aspects during that chapter of my life, it was also a really ALIVE time. My soul longs for that full-fledged feeling of aliveness. That magical flow of Synchronicity. That powerful present-moment awareness of Divine Spirit I had after having deeply called upon it when I was in “crisis” mode.
I mean, yes, I have all that now, to some degree. But that aliveness, that exquisite level of moment-to-moment awareness of the Divine, feels submerged under layers of mucky, dulling waters.
So! Here in this tropical paradise, I send a snorkel up through those muddy waters. I’m ready to embark on a new chapter of my life. I am the only one who can do this, and it’s not anyone else’s fault that I haven’t. Not even my own “fault.” But it is my sacred responsibility.
I’m grateful for whatever inner spark is propelling me to have this shaky bit of courage to commit to this moment of choice right now. I forgive myself for all the woulda/shoulda/coulda times, and acknowledge myself for taking this step now, in this moment. You go, girl. You are not alone. Your guides are very happy. They’ve been patiently waiting. All is in perfect order. Stop beating yourself up and let’s have fun with this next awesome chapter of your life. It’s gonna blow you away. In the very best of ways.
(Whoa! Where’d that come from? Alrighty, then!)
So….What’s my next step toward unfolding this awesome next chapter?
Finishing, publishing, and getting my book out into the world. Through the book (and related blogs, podcasts, etc.), I’ll be able to reach and help many, many people, while still maintaining a relaxed, balanced, stimulating and fulfilling life. I am here to serve. And it is possible to serve at an even higher level and remain balanced, healthy, happy. I know I’m ready and highly capable of playing this role. And I really get that it’s not about me. I’m ready to get out of my own way. I’m ready to be an ever-brighter Light in this crazy, beautiful, so-deeply-in-need-of-healing world.
OK. Now, I will go eat breakfast.
***
It’s now November 2022. My book is rapidly nearing completion. What a challenging, transformational, magnificent past 18 months this has been! I’ve been presented with many major moments of choice. Sometimes the urge to turn and run back to familiar “safe” territory has been nearly irresistible. But the readiness I proclaimed in April of ’21 was such that it could only serve to move me forward; “playing small,” was no longer an option.
So, here I am. Way out of my comfort zones in many ways. I’m part of a select, high-powered, mastermind group that is teaching, compelling, and supporting me as I step into much bigger public arenas. Having been a solo entrepreneur (or “innerpreneur”) most all my adult life, I’ve now hired a team of professionals who know a lot more about navigating this whole publishing, promotion, and online techno world than I do!
I’ve purposely placed myself in situations in which I have felt exceedingly vulnerable, because as they say, “Growth begins at the edge of your comfort zone.” The COVID cocoon was delightful, for a while, as it slowed life down enough to reflect and recalibrate. But enough was enough.
Now, as I read this forgotten journal entry, one thing is abundantly clear: My having said a whole-hearted “Yes!” to the Universe is what has shaped these last 18 months in such remarkable ways. Synchronicities are once again abounding. Doors of opportunity are opening.
Is it all easy? No way!! But I can say, unequivocally, I have gotten exactly what I asked for in that pivotal moment of choice a year and a half ago: My life has changed. I have changed. And I once again feel freakin’ amazingly ALIVE!
